Political jokes

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

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