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    Question and answer Clinton jokes

    Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
    A: He's the stiff one.

    Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

    Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None--He'll only promise "change."

    Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

    Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
    A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

    Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
    A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

    Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
    A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

    Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
    A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

    Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
    A: For spare parts.

    Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
    A: Now it's got two left wings.

    Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
    A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

    Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
    A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

    Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
    A: Who cares!

    Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
    A: Trying to save both faces.

    Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
    A: The United States of America!

    Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
    A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

    Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
    A: Heredity.

    Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
    A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

    Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
    A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

    Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
    A: He turned into Hillary!

    Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
    A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

    Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
    A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

    Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

    Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
    A: None. The democrats do that.

    Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
    A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

    Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

    Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
    A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

    Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
    A: A noose.

    Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
    A: Handcuffs.

    Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
    A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

    Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
    A: A police lineup.

    Q: What's a conservative?
    A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

    Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
    A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

    Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
    A: They've been having turkey for years.

    Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
    A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

    Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
    A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

    Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
    A: A dead girlfriend.

    Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
    A: No fee--If No Recovery!

    Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
    A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

    Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
    A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

    Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
    A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

    Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
    A: Neither one is very bright.

    Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
    A: Runs away from the draft.

    Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
    A: He's got his jogging suit on.

    Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
    A: The Dodgers.

    Q: What is a conservative?
    A: A liberal who's been mugged.

    Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
    A: Chelsea.

    Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
    A: They get elected.

    Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
    A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

    Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
    A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

    Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
    A: To tax the chicken.

    Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
    A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

    Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
    A: When he's sworn in.

    Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
    A: Depends on how many were photographed.

    Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
    A: To meet the chick.

    Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
    A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

    Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
    A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

    Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
    A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

    Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
    A: Bill Clinton of course!

    Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
    A: A mandate to govern.

    Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
    A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

    Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
    A: When Hillary leaves town.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
    A: Yogurt has culture.

    Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
    A: Highway 55.

    Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
    A: He is stupid!

    Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
    A: He keeps having to eat his words.

    Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
    A: His heart stops bleeding.

    Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
    A: T-A-T-E-R.

    Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
    A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

    Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
    A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

    Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
    A: He's afraid of the draft.

    Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
    A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
    A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
    A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
    A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

    Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

    Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
    A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

    Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
    A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

    Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
    A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

    Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
    A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

    Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
    A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

    Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
    A: He's the stiff one.

    Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
    A: Grade six.

    Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
    A: Coffee.

    Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
    A: Everything's $100.

    Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
    A: To study economics.

    Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
    A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

    Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
    A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
    A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

    Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
    A: To promote off-shore drilling.

    Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
    A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

    Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
    A: They all make a living by lying to people.

    Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
    A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

    Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
    A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

    Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
    A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

    Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
    A: A competent liberal President.

    Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
    A: "Good morning, Bill."

    Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
    A: Unite the Republican Party.

    Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
    A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

    Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
    A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

    Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
    A: When he married outside of his family.

    Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
    A: Absolutely nothing.

    Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
    A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

    Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
    A: Because he filed as head of the household.

    Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
    A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

    Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
    A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

    Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
    A: Because they could spell it.

    Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
    A: The whine cellar.

    Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

    Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
    A: There is White-out on the screen.

    Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
    A: There is writing on the White-out.

    Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
    A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

    Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
    A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

    Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
    A: When he shows character, he's acting.

    Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
    A: Summer Solstice.

    Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
    A: Punch him in the nose.

    Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
    A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

    Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
    A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

    Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
    A: He won't pay her $300.

    Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
    A: His face.

    Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
    A: Gennifer.

    Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
    A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

    Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
    A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

    Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
    A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

    Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
    A: "Trust me."

    Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
    A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

    Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
    A: By the wise look in the eyes.

    Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
    A: Change.

    Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
    A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

    Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
    A: "Over Here"

    Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
    A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

    Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
    A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

    Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
    A: Socialism is dead.

    Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
    A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

    Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
    A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

    Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
    A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

    Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
    A: A water gate.

    Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
    A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

    Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
    A: They both dominate Bills.

    Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
    A: The Conners own their own home.

    Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
    A: No one died in Watergate.

    Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
    A: Oldielocks.

    Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
    A: We have not ruled out military force.

    Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
    A: A free stamp.

    Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
    A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

    Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
    A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

    Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
    A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

    Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
    A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
    A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

    Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
    A: A man without a clue.

    Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
    A: He visited Oxford.

    Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
    A: No class and no principals.

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
    A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

    Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
    A: They both have Bills that are losers.

    Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
    A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

    Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
    A: John Elway.

    Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
    A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

    Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
    A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

    Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
    A: They both became president without being elected.

    Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
    A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

    Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
    A: An optimist.

    Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
    A: Teddy Kennedy.

    Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
    A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

    Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
    A: He thought he was in a confessional.

    Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
    A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

    Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
    A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

    Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
    A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

    Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
    A: The White House.

    Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
    A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

    Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
    A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

    Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
    A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

    Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
    A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

    Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
    A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

    Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
    A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

    Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
    A: A snow job.

    Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
    A: No Job.

    Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

    Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
    A: Vice-president of the United States.

    Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
    A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

    Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
    A: Nothing . . . yet.

    Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
    A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

    Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
    A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

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