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    The cat's chalkboard assignments

    In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks

    1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.

    2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

    3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.

    4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).

    5. I will not climb the [xxx]. Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.

    6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish. Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food

    7. I will not hide [xxx]. Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.

    8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist. Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear

    9. [xxx] is not cat food. Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea

    10. [xxx] is not a bed. The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.

    11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy. The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;

    12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx]. Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

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